tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC June 2, 2011 9:30pm-10:00pm PDT
that's confidence folks. the gel in his hair has a lot of tryptophan in it, and sometimes he sleeps. the heat looked very tough. bosh, lebron james, dwayne wade, and they also have center zydrunas ilgauskas, which gives them a slight edge in unpronounceability. [ laughter ] ilgauskas is from lithuania. in lithuania, when a baby is born, they feed a bag of scrabble tiles to a cat, and whatever it throws up, that is your name. [ laughter and applause ] that's a nice tradition of them, that's true. [ cheers and applause ] the fans in miami have been showing their support by wearing all white to the games. it's similar to what the clippers do here when their fans wear bags over their heads, it shows unity. [ laughter ] lebron james after his disastrous departure from cleveland, this really has turned out as well as he could have hoped. i know most everyone in cleveland hates lebron. i guess i understand why. you know, they loved him and he left. it's not unlike jake and tenley from "the bachelor" on the wings of love. [ laughter ] but here is an experiment you can do at home yourself if you want, type the words miami fan
into google, and this is the first thing that comes up. okay. [ laughter ] then do the same thing for cleveland fan and -- yeah. [ laughter ] can you really blame them? [ laughter ] because of their disdain for lebron james, cleveland cavalier fans have all of a sudden become mavaliers fans. there is a group called cavs for mavs, they're like the jews for jesus of the basketball world. [ laughter ] they had these t-shirts made. you know someone means business when they print up t-shirts. that's when things get serious. they say let's go mavs, with the "m" over the "c." wouldn't it be funny if dallas beats miami and there is a celebration riot in cleveland? [ laughter ] mavericks superstar, dirk nowitzki is a bit of as question mark tonight. he was injured at the end of game one. he tore a tendon in his middle finger, which might not seem like a huge deal but, you have to remember at seven feet tall, his middle finger is about the size of a snooki.
[ laughter ] so he's -- he's downplaying the injury but, i don't know. i think it might be worse than he's letting on. look at this. >> bosh got a pass -- bounce pass, and i stepped in. i thought i stripped him clean -- and then i kind of looked down and i couldn't -- couldn't straighten my finger out anymore. [ audience ohs ] >> jimmy: did you see that, he can barely pull his lederhosen on. in other nba news, shaquille o'neal announced yesterday that he will retire tomorrow morning after 19 seasons in the nba he is leaving basketball to pursue his dream of traveling around the country putting all you can eat restaurants out of business. [ laughter ] so good for him. shaq posted this video on his twitter account, and i'll let you hear the announcement straight from kazaam's mouth. >> we did it. 19 years, baby, and i thank you very much. that's why i'm telling you first. i'm about to retire. love you. talk to you soon. >> jimmy: oh, that's weird.
and then about an hour after he announced the retirement he posted this. ♪ world that's so cold maybe, maybe ya know he's too bold ♪ >> prince just retired too as a result of that video. [ laughter ] how does that work exactly? do you glue a camera to the dashboard, or is there a crew living on the hood of his car? [ laughter ] so best of luck, shaq, and now with all of your free time, i think i speak for all of us when i say we look forward to a lot more terrible music and movies from you. [ laughter and applause ] you know with twitter now, this miraculous thing called twitter you really don't need to hold a press conference anymore. many professional athletes just tweet their important announcements now, and tonight we're bringing you a real tweet from nate robinson of the oklahoma city thunder as read by an adorable 8-year-old girl.
>> you will not eat, sleep, drink, blow your nose or even dig in your old butt without my say so. know this, killing is my business, ladies, and business is good. ♪ [ laughter ] >> jimmy: a little cute. hey, we've got a good show for you tonight. mike tyson is on hand to review some of the nba's most noticeable tattoos. my athletic ability will be on display with some incredible trick shots tonight, and we'll be right back with the great don rickles, so stick around. [ cheers and applause ] [ indistinct conversations ] [ buzzes ] [ screaming ] [ all screaming ] [ silverware clatters ] aah! [ sighs ] got it. thanks, dave. [ male announcer ] the big, brilliant, thin
tonight with my trick shot shooting ability. stay right -- this could turn out to be the biggest, most popular youtube video ever, and i want you to see it first. and then later our friend mike tyson will be here to review tattoos of the nba, and he dances too, which is weird. [ laughter ] and later tonight, be sure to watch -- we've got a new show in our regular spot following "nightline" with jason sudeikis, piers morgan, and music from lykke li. so please join us for that. [ cheers and applause ] our first guest tonight is the jordan of jabs, the kobe of comedy and the ilgauskas of insults. you can see him live at the mohegan sun in connecticut on august 6th. please welcome mr. warmth, don rickles. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: look at this. [ cheers and applause ] it is great to see you. >> wait, i talk first. >> jimmy: sorry, i didn't know. >> god bless, god bless. [ laughter ] so great. this side wasn't sure, right here in the middle here, heavy. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well that is close. >> god bless you. nice to see you. and thanks for coming in. are you on a fishing trip? [ laughter ] the guy in front wearing shorts and a little cap. we'll get a little pool, you can run around for a half hour. [ laughter ] jimmy. >> jimmy: yes, don. >> it's so pain in the neck to see you. >> jimmy: i'm sorry.
i'm sorry to make you come here. >> always, i love you dearly -- >> jimmy: i love you too. >> and you're a good friend. >> jimmy: you must be excited to be here in primetime. >> yeah, but unfortunately it's a network that's not going anyplace. [ laughter ] no, abc is great. i was on abc years ago. yeah. >> jimmy: that's right. >> yeah. when the storm came up, the wires got wet, and the show went on. [ laughter ] anyway, no, i was on abc many years ago with my own show. but now it's nice primetime for you, this is exciting for you. the world -- the world's going to know that you're nobody. [ laughter ] the world's going to know -- and the basketball -- you do this in between the basketball games, right? >> jimmy: that's right, yeah. >> yeah, my god. i can't cheer too much because my lakers, you know. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. you're a big lakers fan, right? >> yeah, but they thought it was a jewish holiday. they didn't want to play. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i didn't realize the lakers -- >> kobe forgot to dribble, he didn't dribble. >> jimmy: i had no idea they were jewish, i did not know that about them. >> you don't know anything. [ laughter ] >> oh, by the way, we lost a guy. they traded the guy -- the kid that was jewish. >> jimmy: jordan farmar. >> yeah, jordan farmar. >> jimmy: yeah. >> he went to a kibbutz in israel, got picked off, and he's not even playing anymore. >> jimmy: is that where he went? >> no, no. he's a great player. he's a great player.
but they -- you know. look at the black chick, she never laughs. [ laughter ] obama, ha, ha, ha, ha. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: all right, everyone has been put on notice. >> he might play. he's a good basketball player i understand. >> jimmy: barack obama is a good basketball player. >> that's good, you remember his name. b-b-barack obama. [ laughter ] don't get nervous, you don't have a cousin going to jail. forget about it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: how do you know i don't have a cousin going to jail? >> this isn't charades, don't be a smart ass, okay. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: hey, don, let me ask frthis, because this is from -- >> hey, don, what is that? hey, don, what? >> jimmy: i'm sorry. >> hey, don! >> jimmy: hey, mr. rickles. >> yeah. >> jimmy: this is from a lakers game, and you were captured, it appears -- i guess you're -- it looks like you're maybe kissing your wife barbra, although it could actually -- you look angry. and you look like you swallowed a lemon shortly before. [ laughter ] >> that was a good one, that's going to cost you. [ laughter and applause ]
this is how you -- this is how you guys do it, huh? you know they have that great thing, you got a minuet? >> jimmy: yeah, sure. >> well, look over here. >> jimmy: i'm sorry. [ laughter ] >> you're so busy saying the camera's on me. jimmy, jimmy, jimmy, stop it. >> jimmy: i'm transfixed on this beautiful face. >> yeah, transfixed -- trust me, don't use big words with me. [ laughter ] but they have like the kiss camera. you guys know, when you go to the lakers games. which is a great thing, and they come around. that's how they took that picture. a little anecdote that i throw in, you know. >> jimmy: by the wa,y i want to say happy birthday. i know you have a big birthday 85 years old. unbelievable. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] they're happy that you made it. >> you know, it's so funny, jim. jimmy, when you say that 8 where -- when you think about it, and you're comparatively a young man compared to me. but wht i've been blessee go? but i've been blessed. and you guys, please god, i hope you reach 85. and certainly, more, and ladies too because you've got to have, i'm married 46 years and we used to get up every morning and i say, i'm up!
[ laughter ] anyway -- [ applause ] and she sits by the bed with the pillow going -- [ laughter ] but we have a great marriage. i throw in the jewelry. she goes down on the dock and signals some ships and goes to bed early, you know. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: did barbra buy you a gift for your 85th birthday? >> yeah, a picture of her. [ laughter ] anyway, you know, gifts, when you're married so many years, our love is our gift. that sounds kind of corny, but it's true. we write -- i write personal letters to her. >> jimmy: you do? >> somebody there had a boy or something in the back. [ laughter ] no, i write personal note cards. i used to send cards, but i used to have somebody else get the cards, it's the truth. you can't do that with a wife. but for years i would say, charlie, you go out and get a card for the wife. and she caught on to it and said, i don't need this. and now i write her a personal letter. and each year, please god, i always write a little, a little note to her. >> jimmy: that's very nice. >> yeah, it is. she thought that too. thanks a million for thinking that way. [ laughter ] so sweet of you to okay it. >> jimmy: no problem. and what about you?
>> how do you know for crying out loud? >> jimmy: does she write you a note? does she -- >> molly, your girlfriend. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> lovely girl, he's got a wonderful girl. doesn't she know about you for crying out loud? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: she knows, she knows. >> why is she going with you for crying out loud? what do you do? sit around with your italian family -- pass the -- you love mussolini for crying out loud. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he was a little before my time. >> no, he's so kind. he puts all of his family to work on his show, and i think that's -- i mean that, not to embarrass you, but i think that's a great thing you do. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well, thank you, thank you. you like that? >> except my brother here, he has to come and beg and snarl, you know. >> jimmy: you know we grew up across the street from each other when we were kids. >> no kidding. >> jimmy: so we're family as well. [ laughter ] don -- >> exciting news. did you really grow up together? >> jimmy: we did, yeah. >> that's great. >> jimmy: yeah, we did. >> and you had the zip guns in those days, huh? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: zip guns? >> they don't about, the zip guns were a little thing on a rubber band. boom, and you kill somebody. [ laughter ] anyway -- >> jimmy: they've never killed. >> are you from india? >> my parents are.
>> see that, i'm like a cop. i'm a good cop. i took a wild guess. you look like you're from india. [ speaking indian ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what does that mean? >> that means, later on the elephants are in heat, let's go outside and see what we can do. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wow. [ applause ] >> jimmy: don, speaking of elephants, you're in this new kevin james movie, "zookeeper," i hear. >> oh, how did you know that? yeah. >> jimmy: they told me. >> they did a little mercy thing for jim. >> jimmy: for kevin. >> yeah. it's a nice thing. i haven't seen it, but i hope it's okay. >> jimmy: you play a what in this movie? >> i don't know. i haven't even seen it. why did you spring this on me? what is this? guess it and win a cookie. i don't know what the hell you call that. >> jimmy: i think you play a frog in this movie. >> that's right, a frog. yeah, that's exciting. you got to bring that up? at 85 i'm breaking my career, he brings up how i skyrocketed as a frog. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: don, which do you -- [ applause ] >> jimmy: which do you find more
challenging? playing a potato or a frog? [ laughter ] >> the check. no, disney has been great to me. "toy story" was a wonderful hit for me. >> jimmy: yeah, it sure was. yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> playing mr. potato head, you know years ago i said, you know, john lasseter who is a wonderful guy came and said, don you'll do -- 16 years ago believe it or not i've been doing these disney things as mr. potato head. he said, you'll become, you know a doll, and you'll be like mr. potato head. i said, i don't do that, will you please, geez, leave me alone. and then all of a sudden i got the check and i said -- and the wife started putting on the jewelry, and i said, this is a good thing. [ laughter ] and dollar and all of those people up there, and they're great people at disney. >> jimmy: well, they're lucky to have you, i'll tell you that. >> and i'm lucky to be on you're show. ooh. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i'm sure this is a real thrill for you. [ applause ] well, i'll tell you what, if you've not seen don rickles live in concert, you must absolutely make a pilgrimage to mohegan sun casino and resort in connecticut
on august 6th. he will be appearing there live. the great don rickles, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with trick shots and mike tyson too. [ cheers and applause ] my contacts are so annoying. they're itchy, dry and uncomfortable. i can't wait to take 'em out, throw 'em away and never see them again. [ male announcer ] know the feeling? get the contacts you've got to see to believe. acuvue® oasys brand contact lenses. feel how hydraclear® plus keeps your eyes exceptionally comfortable all day long. it feels like it disappeared on my eye. [ male announcer ] discover why it's the brand eye doctors trust most for comfort. and if you're not 100 percent satisfied, you get your money back. guaranteed. are they on? 'cause they don't feel like they are. [ male announcer ] acuvue® oasys brand. see what could be.
those of you who know me personally know that i'm not just a basketball fan, i'm also a great basketball player. in particular, i'm a master of what some call the trick shot. although when it comes to shooting, there are no tricks. you need a combination of concentration, focus, discipline, and skill. fortunately, god gave me all of those things. [ laughter ] and here now, by popular demand, my first ever trick shot video. enjoy. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ try to be best 'cause you're only a man and a man's gotta learn to take it ♪ ♪ try to believe though the going gets rough that you gotta hang tough to make it ♪
♪ history repeats itself try and you'll succeed never doubt that you're the one ♪ ♪ and you can have your dreams ♪ you're the best around ♪ ♪ nothing's gonna ever keep you down ♪ ♪ you're the best around ♪ ♪ nothing's gonna ever keep you down ♪ ♪ you're the best around ♪ ♪ nothing's gonna ever keep you down ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ you're the best around ♪ ♪ nothing's gonna ever keep you down ♪ ♪ you're the best around ♪ ♪ nothing's gonna ever keep you down ♪
mike tyson revealing tattoos. [ cheers and applause ] [ bell rings ] agents, let's welcome beast, an exchange student from the x-men school. - so, what do you guys study? - um-- - do you know about discounts? - do you have a cafeteria? - what about ways to save people money? - do you have taco tuesdays? - have you guys started combining policies? - i like your hair. agents, please. i don't know what the x-men do at their school, but i hope they're treating our guy better than we're treating beast. kinda looks like a target.
not cool. we are insurance. ♪ we are farmers bum-pa-dum, bum-bum-bum-bum ♪ hey wendy! you should introduce your new berry almond chicken salad in berryville, virginia! great idea! it's the perfect place for sweet strawberries and blueberries. our new berry almond chicken salad with all- natural fat-free raspberry vinaigrette. ♪ you know when it's real.♪ twizzlers. the twist you can't resist. if i had a girlfriend that liked miracle whip it's a deal breaker. serge, my man, do you like miracle whip? yes. i need a new tailor. [ laughs ] he just pricked me with a pin. ♪ so we went to one of those designer stores. looks good from here. not so good from here.
[ man ] then we got smart an went to lowe's. i just showed them how they could get a similar design and look, like this entire allen & roth patio set for more than 50% savings over those designer stores. because nobody beats our prices. nobody. i guess you're even more comfortable when you know how much you've saved. i can vouch for that. [ male announcer ] experience. lowe's. let's build something together. come into lowe's for basic hanging baskets, 2 for $10. and my dog bailey and i love to hang out in the kitchen. you love the aroma of beef tenderloin, don't you? you inspired a very special dog food. [ female announcer ] chef michael's canine creations. chef inspired. dog desired. you don't have the app store, so you don't have the world's largest selection of apps, that are this easy to find. and this easy to download right to your phone, so it can be almost anything, like a boarding pass, or do almost anything,
like pay for your coffee. yup. if you don't have an iphone, well, you don't have an iphone. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hello everyone, we're back. this is our game night special. if there's one thing that we've learned this nba season, it's that basketball players love tattoos. nowadays nba players have more tattoos than kids even. some of them are impressive. some of them are not. here to tell us which is which,
the undisputed heavyweight champion of crazy tattoos, mr. mike tyson. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ everybody come with me ♪ so turn it up turn it up turn it up ♪ >> oh, oh, welcome back to "tattoo time" with mike tyson. i'm mike tyson. let's talk about tattoos together. kobe bryant. he's named after steak, but this tattoo is a mistake. there's nothing more manly than a crown with butterflies. especially if it's demonic with the flavor of beef. all right, next. kenyon martin. wow. i shall fear no man but god. well, maybe god's not a man. who says god's a man? we don't know if god's a man or not. i like the structure of it. it looks nice, it's well done -- he has lips on his neck. oh street creds, he can kiss that goodbye. next.
deshawn stevenson. presents abraham lincoln on his neck. that's dedication. of course he has that 'cause he freed the slaves. there's no other reason. thanks to honest abe, we're free with a black president. and it's easier than having the emancipation proclamation on your back. good job, steven. i mean -- yes, stevenson. oh, we're out of time. i'm mike tyson. signing off for "tattoos with with tyson." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i've only wanted to hear him say emancipation proclamation. i wanna thank mike tyson. i wanna thank don rickles. watch us tonight with a new show after "nightline." jason sudeikis, piers morgan, and we'll have music from lykke li. thanks for watching. stay tuned for game two of the nba finals here on abc. [ cheers and applause ] ♪